Friday, 25 February 2011

Funny stuff

Since I don't have anything interesting or clever to say and since I found this list in my inbox today, I thought I would share. Hope no one gets offended. Enjoy!

1) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

7) If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

8) We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

9) War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

10) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

11) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

12) Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

13) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

15) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16) Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

17) Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

18) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

19) A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

20) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

21) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

22) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

23) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

24) Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

25) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

27) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

28) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

29) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

30) Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

31) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

32) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

33) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

34) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

35) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

36) You're never too old to learn something stupid.

37) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

38) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

39) Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

40) A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

41) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6 comments:

Kim said...

These are cute.. and I am NOT offended! Thanks for sharing!!

Molly said...

Love it! :-)

Steve said...

Those are good. I heard some before, always good to have a laugh on Friday. :)

m said...

Very funny! Thanks for sharing!

Heidi Austin said...

love the list. thank you for sharing! good stuff for sure :)

GoBigGreen said...

that made me laugh. Especially about not growing up. I remind my husband that he is a Doctor and such silliness would make his patients FEAR for their lives. Somehow he seems to do ok tho:)